I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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