Too much gin, very little bucket
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
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Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
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I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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