can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
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got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
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Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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