I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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