You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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