The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
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Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
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I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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