bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
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I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
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This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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