So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
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Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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