11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize