your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
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We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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