i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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