i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
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I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
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They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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