So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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