I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
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You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
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He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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