someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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