my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
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Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
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A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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