I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
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So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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