At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
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you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
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Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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