Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
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Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
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You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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