3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
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He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
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The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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