she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
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Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
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When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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