ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
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Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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