Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
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She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
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He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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