so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize