A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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