I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
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headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
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He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
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