Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
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I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
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I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Never joke about your clitoris.
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