last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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