I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize