Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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