Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
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I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
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I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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