i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
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Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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