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we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
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I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
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New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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