I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
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I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
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The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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