Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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