WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
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You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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