there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
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If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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