I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
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It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
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One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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