last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
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Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
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You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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