now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
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I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
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I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I need to sanitize my soul.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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