Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
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Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
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At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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