He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
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I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
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It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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