My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
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What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
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I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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