the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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