I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
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He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
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Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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