My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
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Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
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there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize