when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
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somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
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The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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