There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You're like the curious george of whores
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize