I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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