There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
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It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
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Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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